Tuesday, June 28, 2016

I can, I will, I DID!

So I’ve had my last chemotherapy dose Friday 24th June with an amazing lunch, drinks and few cocktails afterwards, leading me into a very lazy Saturday. My mouth was instantly sore on Saturday morning but I knew it would be the last time I ever needed to feel this way and go through these horrible fortnight of pain and emotions.  

Did you see my Y present? WOW! Gary has out done himself this time, an amazing pair of Jan Logan earings. Outstanding for Y for Yellow! what a way to finish off all the incredible presents Gary has given me since january #1 chemo. I'm really blessed!













I promised myself and Gary, no checking any emails (tick I have not checked ONE) I also promised I wouldn’t run around like I usual self after chemo for me to recover from an aching body and sore mouth (tick) usually I’m thinking, ok how can I make the most of a no work day. Instead, I’ve rested, watched bad movies, cooked a cake, took Stewie for a walk and that’s it! Pretty good way to spend a day off, so I must keep this up as my body needs this rest.


Is this a new Mez? Did chemo kill the workaholic? Just to keep it completely honest though, I’m dying to be back to my usual fitness self.

So the picture of the week is certainly this one, “teen wolf?” “Hairy Lady” “Mez transitioning?” These are all nick names from my adorable husband. I read a few blogs and forums online, it’s apparently normal, because my few weeks of delay in chemo after hospital, hair on my head has grown a bit and I’m finding it all over my body, little white hairs, on my face everywhere, chin, neck, back of my neck and forehead. I read it will go away after a little while, I really hope so as during chemo you cannot go and get facials, or anything abrasive done on your skin due to infection possibilities so I’m grinning and baring it!



It’s cold now in Sydney and although I want to be out doing some walking but it’s freezing so just resting under the blanket until I need to go out and making a walk of it, my eyes are so tired and I just need to get through this week and visit my aunts down on south coast and relax a few days before having to go back to work.

For now, I’m working through the emotions of going back to work and feeling like I’m forgetting this even happened, which I’m not yet prepared to do but that’s ok, I guess I don’t have to. Everything is in my control for how I feel and what I do, so I’ll stick to that on a daily basis. I can’t plan ahead with any of this stuff – so I won’t.

Next thing I see left to do….start to make my body and mind feel healthier and stronger. Take care of my body with nutrients and take care of my mind by balance and equilibrium of work/life - which will involve the physical side just as much.

Oh btw, I have not found a hobby yet.
I’ve developed a taste for soy milk, thanks to my aunty – I’m actually enjoying it.
I’ve re-written my bucket list.
I’ve joined the Sydney library.
I’m designing my inspiration tattoo for when I can do that on my skin.

It’s all about the #newnormal and constant inspiration now. The best thing about being away from work on no schedule or restrictions is you notice things, see shops or cafes you have never noticed, sad people, happy people, angry people and some who just need a nudge from us walking the other way to be reminded there is something to smile about.

I’m very proud of Gary this week, with a lot of pressure at work, he came home with a big smile, told me he missed me, and that he had good things happen and some bad things happen – but I know he had a horror day so his positivity was inspiring and helped me slowly come out of my moping mood of feeling sorry for myself and sore body.    

I now want to be inspiration for others to keep positive, remain focussed on how good life is and not get stuck on the small stuff. That’s where I want my attitude to make a difference. And remove the negative people who try to affect that or don’t react to it. I’m struggling to stay focussed on everything will get better but it is very exciting to think it’s all uphill from here I think, I hope.

Enjoy your day and week people, thanks for reading today! I'm feeling very sorry for myself but i'm also excited about the future. I’m going to enjoy today’s sunshine, borrow a book, get some vitamin D and maybe even get a hair trim on the back of my neck J




Sunday, June 19, 2016

Perth, Margaret River Gal Pal Trip and reflection time...

10th June to 17th June 'West Side'

Ticking at least 2 boxes here in life, Sunset over the sea on the west side of Oz and visiting Margaret River!

Perth trip, thank goodness for this trip and for Sez inviting me along. I just needed a week to escape normal life and start to relax at the beginning of a 3 week break for heading towards the end of my treatment. 

In the Qantas lounge sydney


Thank goodness for the business class flight, which I desperately needed after having chemotherapy in the afternoon. We arrived late at Sarah’s friend’s house straight into their back granny flat, which meant I got to sleep Sydney time I think 230am, to be awake again 2 hours later and that was it I pretty much was awake. A horrible side affect of chemo, but unless i take my anxiety/sleeping pills by 9pm they will not work properly and pretty much do the opposite.



Saturday was our wine tour day of the trip and the worst possibly day for me to actually be on a wine tour. Taste buds were getting progressively worse throughout the day, coffee was ok still but wine not good. A complete waste however i knew being with Sez I’d have a good wingman anyhow. We left the pier at 945am, full boat, hens group on board but they were pretty tame in the end, such a shame – irish too, just didn’t live up to their potential or DNA J

The ‘Swan River Wine Tour’ sailed down the swan but I think they forgot the wine part. Only 4 (2 sip) tastes before we ended up at lunch at the Sandleford winery where we had a tour and lunch – so we ended up sober at the end – we had a lovely walk home for 1hour and half which was a good way to end up a day of sitting most the day and after dinner I was in bed by 7pm, woke up at 8pm thinking I’d slept for hours, rugby on, heater on, Sarah went out for drinks with friends and then we both woke up at 9am sooo obviously needing that sleep, I was absolutely shattered, most tired I’d been in a long time. I started to realise that I can actually just sleep when I need to. Sez’s friend had the perfect quarters for us to stay in, great beds, warm, great kids and she is beautiful and a complete supermum! Sarah does keep good friendships from what I’ve seen over the years and time spent with new people always inspires me if they are genuine and nice. It gives me something new to see and experience and also reinvigorates something in me of other people’s lives and how precious everyone’s family and friendships actually are. We had breakfast made for us - waffles (pic) and then dove down to Mgt River.



Margaret River

It rained the majority of the way so didn’t stop anywhere but got to the apartment after stopping the cheese factory, OMG smoked cheddar which became dinner. Wine tasted wrong both red and sparkling so I gave up on that and went to bed instead with a cup of tea. Worst week to come to wine region. Gary swore it would only be 24 hours of bad weather, here we are sitting here at 821am on Tues 14th June, still RAINING!! Went for a walk down to the beach to see the sunset the ONLY thing I want to see when I’m here and I saw it! J

Sunset over WA -
Bucket List Moment
Prevelly Beach Selfie













I did a poo! Yay, only took 4 cups of plunger coffee, half a banana, peach, kiwi fruit, 6 laxatives and 3 prunes. Yes that is normal for chemo patients. The first thing I was told when starting chemo was “eat prunes….a lot of prunes”. I was so uncomfortable last night I couldn’t eat dinner, so I’m much chirpier now. 

Doing nothing has been actually physically tiring but mentally refreshing. Leaving to go home on Thursday 16th was via Busselton and my body was aching so bad, shooting pains and incredibly painful but I didn’t take my Endone and Lyrica as I knew it would wipe me out and I didn’t want Sez driving without a companion, so I took Panadol, waited for Perth then drugged up, went to bed and waited for dinner time. Italian with Sez and friend, a place recommended by a few (including thank you fb friend) and after 6 quick sips of red wine I was on a high, not the best feeling but pain is worse. It’s one way of dealing with pain especially after having felt it for almost 6 months I would rather feel high and happy than in pain and not smiling. I don’t care what people think, I cope in my own way and if red wine and pain killers is how I deal with a shit moment then it’s what I’ll do. I will NEVER take life for granted and I like to think I wouldn’t say no to anything that is a life experience where there isn’t a good reason to say no. I am only just realising at the end of my treatment that I nearly died. At 34! What a completely horrible thought where I have said no to thinks that I look back and think I should have said yes to. Even though my life motto to Gary and friends has always been ‘why not’ or ‘yolo’ but I never truly lived up to it, letting work get the way, being tired or feeling lazy. Now I know what tired and in pain actually really feels like.

I always thought my upbringing was dull, unadventurous and limited in experiences, but in fact I spent so much of this trip with Sez reminiscing about our childhood moments and experiences of our parents and family trips where I realise we have very similar upbringings and what our parents taught us and realised that’s why I am who I am now and how well I’ve dealt with cancer treatment, because my dad made me resilient and although he never actually said ‘you can do anything in life’ I think I just knew it anyhow, you make your own luck, you make your own way and you don’t rely on anyone else. This is the perfect lesson in life, but dad never actually said those words - he never actually said that out loud, but I think back now, and he taught us exactly that by example.  
As much as I say a lot of positive commentary and facebook shows a certain picture I’m trying to pain, I’m really hurt by a couple of people in my life from the past couple of months, I will never put them in this blog but I will address them personally in my own way/time. I don’t think I deserve anything special because I had Cancer but there are people who should have been more supportive. It upsets me but don’t think I ever thought until now about this, I never had expectations of who should and shouldn’t and would and wouldn’t but I say this vocally because I need to deal with it and move on to not let it linger or affect me in a very emotional time – to the people who have supported me – I am so amazed that they think of me worthy of supporting.

Flying Home 'East Side'

I’m on the way home now, leaving Perth to go back home and why do I love flying? Not just because I’m lucky enough to be business class most times but because Qantas crew are always the best in customer service and asking where I’ve been, where I’m going and how am I. 

The thing I love and sometimes completely get annoyed about weirdly with Gary is that when we fly he makes the most of it. The most of the pre-flight champers, on-board wine, post-dinner port and the copious beyond that. I often look down on him or am disappointed with him for drinking too much but why? Why do I do this because it’s actually going along with everything I stand for! Make the MOST OF EVERYTHING IN LIFE. I don’t know about you but flying is where I get my life changing moments and most inspiration. The altitude? I don’t know but I have life changing moments EVERY TIME on a plane. The people I see and wondering where they are going or why do they look so miserable, or why so happy, and the people I’ve met on board - the music I listen to. On the plane I end up thinking about life and how amazing my life has been.

The crew were perfect too as i wore my mask as i really don't want to get sick so they made sure i was comfortable, offering me hand sanitiser during the flight but then shaking my hand to say welcome aboard - so i used the hand sanitiser again.... :-) 

Staying Germ Free!














Back home, back with Gary and ready to relax for another 2 weeks of figuring out what I’ll experience and learn beyond chemo!


Saturday, June 11, 2016

3 weeks since my last entry – SO MUCH TO talk about including I have bigger things than that to worry about...

yes i have bigger things to deal with than some of the stuff i'm hearing around me including work related stuff - so im taking time off! YAY!

I’m exhausted…I found my adopted brother AND andd Bootcamp and Angels in my life!

·      One thing i've learned - i'm not taking crap from people and i'm not going to get stressed by them. 

·       I find ppl are so precious now, the way you speak, reading out of context, needy, judgemental and completely oblivious to the things some poeple are having to deal with right now. But how do you teach them? I tend to leave my bald head shwoing and wear my cancer ribbon and plaster a massive smile on my face sot when they see me....i hope they feel something resembling....shame! 

I feel surrounded by cancer right now. Everything around me seems to remind me I have it. How have I lasted months without feeling this yet? I go to the bathroom and I remember…shit I have cancer. How did this happen to ME…I don’t get cancer….34 year olds shouldn’t have to worry about this. Old people get cancer. But the word is everywhere. It’s making the end of my treatment really difficult because I’m thinking about cancer and me 24/7 where I wasn’t before now. I'm trying to distance myself from negative behaviour right now because I’m mentally/physiologically suffering and I have no idea how to handle it. I’m going to have to find inspiration somewhere externally outside myself, books and online blogs/websites. I feel like people are just sucking energy out of me.
I tell you, if I can give you one piece of advice, refocus yourself on having real conversations. The amount of conversations I’ve had where half way through I wish I had the balls to say…”dude just get to the point” or “I have bigger things to deal with…can I have a sleep while you continue on talking about nothing important?” And I don’t mean to be mean.

Exhausted 25th May – 4 hours’ sleep, eyes are shocking, emotional at why this even happened, I think I’m only now reacting to ‘you have cancer’ news. This is weird I’m only now getting emotional and physically over everything, and over having to do all these blood test and Dr appointments, extra scans, dr appointments, lung function tests and balancing everything!

What’s now keeping me going is the Bootcamp and my Aunty Mieke and Ngaire visiting me and helping with the Bootcamp. Other than that I want this experience over with.  OG I’m so emotionally broken now. I’m starting to break.

28th May – Bootcamp is here what an amazing and exciting success amazing, the people involved and amazing effort by Deltafit and Frankie’s friends (fitness first trainers but their own time). MMM Catering gave the food at ahuge discount. My ANZ regional director donated $300 of his own money pretty much on behalf of the company due to internal policy meaning we can’t donate to these kind of things. What an amazing human being and human spirit. We raised a total of $1120 making it over $5k in total, crazy insane amazing amount of money i never thought i'd raise.

After the bootcamp I spent 2 hours finding an organisation who would take our leftover food, in the end OzHarvest picked it up and donated to the needy/homeless shelters in Sydney. I had to have an injection for low immunity.

  









I’ve hit my limit…emotionally and physically I’m just tired. Mentally…I’m done! So I’ve decided to take time away from work finally and will entirely switch off from it. I’m deadly serious about NO emails, none. Everything is just for me right now.

1st June, met Maddie from Leukaemia Foundation for a chat finally, felt it was too late but she assured me it’s never too late. It was an hour of pure passion from her, interest in me, I felt comfortable, I wish I’d had her months previous but I feel like I’m going to need her more than ever now. We have set up another appointment for june to chat. She sent me 40 leukaemia foundation green ribbons, bless her as this will come in very handy for something I have planned J
Can I throw in randomly my vic colleague and friend suggested I drink a green smoothy to get through…. Hahaha I love this because it feels like if I just did this, I’d be cured forever! HAHAHAH love you Claire.

Suddenly, noise is doing my head in people talking too much, I need to not talk – I think my absence from work will do wonders for this alone, no having to TALK to people.

On Friday night 3rd June Gary and I had dinner with our PT trainer Sun and the gym girls which we almost didn’t make, we decided to take the train to Eastwood Sydney, but half way I felt so horrible we almost turned back, I had no intention of speaking to anyone so we sat at the end of the table. But Sun had planned this orange/pink dress code because they were my favourite colours and even though this was a dinner for someone else b’day not me, she made something special for me. I wore an orange dress, gGary wore an orange polo and everyone had something orange/pink on. One I got there and started chatted I sat at the end of the table with a bottle of BYO red and before long I was loving the entire night. Got back to the city and had a couple of drinks with Gary and cried the entire time J thinking back…I have no idea what I was crying about but Gary was amazing.

Stop telling me I look so great I am sorry but will people stop telling me I look good. I’m starting to think I need to just slap people now. That’s a TV campaign right there….stop telling people going through poisoning cancer treatment they look good and just give them a coffee or muffin with chocolate. That’s more valuable than your stupid words you think are helping.

I have decided if was prime minister that I would create more leave opportunity for people going through this type of serious treatment, I have now been using unpaid leave at work now for quite a while, sick leave exhausted and keeping annual PTO for future holidays planned – something should be available for people going through this type of thing. I actually suggested to my HR Director that I use maternity leave because I’m never having kids, she took me seriously and raised it with my manager in all seriousness. Opps. I was justjoking (kind of not really but oh well)

Can’t sleep – I can’t sleep all of a sudden.

Intense pain in body with shooting pains, I’m crying every couple of hours with this, just nerve pain so endone and lyrica are helping but it’s a reminder hourly that I’m living a new normal.

6/6/16 - Oma in hospital I found out my 99 year old Oma (Dutch Grandma) is in hospital with a broken bone in her hip from a fall – we have just booked flights to go there for her 100th birthday in Jan2017 but now is the dilemma that if something happens do I get on a plane?

6/6/16 – Lung function check up  I saw DrTimmonds today after a lung function test and she said it all looks good on the lates CT scan but my lungs are struggling with transporting the protein around on the lung function test. She things I’ll recover but suggested take it super easy! And see her again in a few months.

7/7/16 Tonight Sez came with me and we saw the Andy Whitfield Story ‘Be Here Now’ – thy could support the charities hugely if they sold tissues at the theatre door.

Chemo#11 – feeling sick on way to airport, purpose of trip is to switch off relax, enjoy time with sarah, give back time and friendship to sez who helped me through a lot. #11 present CHEMOTHERAP… a new Nexus 5X Phone. Sooooo love it! Thank you beautiful and thoughtful husband.

Funny, sez said to me ‘I don’t think I’ve ever asked you how you are” to which I responded, you never got the chance I told you everytime I spoke to you. Gary and Sez are probably the only 2 people I’ve been honest and open with to the dirtiest of details.

Leaving gary in ‘stressmode level EXPLODE’ and happy to be getting away from the norm. Routine. Sadface atmosphere it can be in the city sometimes. I see it every time I walk through the city, unless you are surrounded by tourists, the faces of people are either dismal, numb, on a mission don’t get in my way or you cant see it because it’s looking at a phone in front of them which you have to dodge not taking them out by moving sideways cleverly last minute amongst the other people looking at their phone.

I always get paranoid on the train which I get every chemo to st Leonards. They look at me a like I either am contagious or ‘what the fuck would someone dye their hair bright pink?’ I feel sorry for them actually. Just accept everyone. We all have a story – well that’s what SBS says J or i need to stop reading into it so much. Although I remember last year I dyed my hair light pink, inspiration from Ke$ha. My boss was horrified, I think she expected my work ethic would change…its just HAIR! More important things people!

So I’m on a flight to Perth right now, by now Facebook is showing 3 posts, me in Qantas business lounge with sez drinking a red after chemotherapy. Upset because Gary was so tied up in work I had to kiss him goodbye while on a work call,
Kelly and Antonio. My Qantas homies, as always, Qantas bring out the best in business class – adding in lay flat bed I might use if the wine runs out J or my energy runs out first J I hate watching moves on flights, I get bored, feel like it’s a waste of time when I have music to listen and be inspired by!

Music is a combination of Q playlist – (country of course) and my mp3 player.

Keith Urban – ol’ fav and always good for inspiration on some level. “These are the days” from the Gravity Album. Lyrics like this that inspire me “Life’s for living child can’t you see, these are the days we will remember, these are the days that won’t come again, the highest of flames become an amber, and you’ve gotta live them while you can…drums and guitar getting faster………these are the days we will rememberrrrrrrrrrr! Woohooooooooooo. (Mez looks out of plane window inspired, teary,

“Take them by the hand don’t let them walk right by. DAYS GO BY! “

Almost ALL of my inspiration before and after ‘chemo days’ that’s by new marker in life….before and after chemo….circa 2016! The year I lived, nearly died, met amazing people, re-found people, fell more in love with my husband, found out my dad is the best person I know!

So chemo was amazing today. My husband left his super stressful and horrible day after flying back from Melbourne in the morning exhausted, and came to chemo because I asked him to. I’d done so many chemos alone that I was over it. I wanted my last two chemo sessions to be meaningful with the people I want there. AND so excited and inspired every damn SECOND with – Martin Gillespie – my new big bro. I don’t have a brother so he is IT! And…am I inspired. This man came into my life thanks to Ruth my beautiful friend I am also utterly inspired by with fitness, passion, brightness, energy, love and what a big smile every time I see her Northern English face! She introduced Martin to me a few weeks ago to and he has filled my heart with so much hope and drive to get through these few weeks and beyond. I wish I knew him 6 months ago! I can be so honest with him and no judgement but understands every word I say of this journey…

OMG….. John Denver is now on my Q playlist. “Country Road…take me home…” currently using my Qantas napkin as a tissue.

So guys, I’m happy, smiling and energised to get through 2 weeks before I’m done with this shitty chemotherapy – one to go, its poison through my veins and making my life all about some horrible stupid disease I shouldn’t have, I DON’T deserve and who knows why i got it. Who cares I guess.

Now I’ve arrived for my girl’s weekend and Sez is on another flight from Sydney on Jetstar so I’m waiting for her in the lounge before we venture to her friends for a bed for the night. I don’t need any type of sleeping tablets tonight I am definite. 

It was a long blog but important things have happened and will happen in the coming weeks. Mentally a tough couple of weeks. Physically touch...but no work will make all the difference. 

I am blessed in many ways..a few pics for you on this one. 

Getting my immune booster for white blood cell count
Dark hair moment in May